My crux is my anger. I knew it. But I blew it today, again, at my dear friend.
At the time, I felt so righteous. He hasn’t yet read my script. He knew it’s important to me. And I sent it to him last Thursday. He promised he would read during the weekends. (Okay, I sound like an possessed person already…)
Of course, things happened. He got busy. But something inside me snapped.
It wasn’t about him really. I was mad at the slow pace of other projects. The producer-wannabe-writer promised to deliver and now it’s two months later. I rolled my eyes back and forth like a yoyo. And a paper that I slaved on with another friend is still awaiting her response. There are tons of things that people just fade out on you… Like with this director, I read his script and gave him notes and had a lengthy call. I sent him meeting minutes with action plans. But I haven’t heard from him since. This reminds me to write him a followup whatup email.
So at the time, I wanted my friend to be reliable. And he is reliable 99%.And when he doesn’t deliver what he’s promised, all my anger and frustration decimated the dam and flooded out… Of course, he ignored my angry texts and attempted calls as he should.
Hours later, I meditated twice to ease my chest pain.
Truth be told, I’ve been going back to Pema Chödrön’s Don’t Bite the Hook audiobook as well as my daily meditation practice. But I still don’t feel that I have control over my own anger. And tomorrow morning, I will introduce meditation to my students. #irony
Off to bed now with the repercussions from an angry burst for nothing.